October 15

“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?” 
― Laura Bush, Spoken from the Heart

Coping With Miscarriage as an Atheist

After finding out we had lost the baby, I went online to find a community I could talk to and relate to.  I just wanted to talk to other moms who were grieving like I was, but it turned out to be hard to find the right place.

Finding Humor in the Hardest Times

I never thought I would be so grateful for Pinterest, but as I do with every other event or illness that comes my way, I went on a search for other people who had dealt with miscarriage and are still trying afterwards.  What I found was surprising and wonderful - boards full jokes, heartbreak and hope.  Rather than keep these to myself, I decided to post a few here for you.  Remember, none of these are made by me, only pinned by me:

New Vlog Up

Numb

We went in for another ultrasound today since the last one was a little early, but this time there wasn’t a heartbeat. The size hadn’t changed at all since the last appointment, so they think the heart stopped soon after that. That’s almost a week and a half, so since I haven’t even spotted even a tiny bit yet, I’m going in tomorrow for a d&c.
I keep trying to remind myself and Ryan that it’s completely normal for this to happen, but we already had so many hopes. At least I know I can get pregnant. Hopefully it wont take so long next time.

They also mentioned I’m RH negative, so I have to take some pills after the procedure so I don’t develop antibodies or something.  If anyone is curious about a d&c in the first few months of pregnancy (I would be 7w5d tomorrow) I can answer any questions you have.
I already cried so much today, it’s just gone over to numb.  My first stop after the hospital was to get a caffeinated soda.  This weekend I’ll have a few stiff drinks.  At least we have more time to prepare the house and save money, but that’s not very consoling.