Sometimes I find myself trolling Pintrest for new ideas on how to decorate my house and I wonder what life would be like if I'd veered off in different directions. What if I hadn't transferred back from Virginia to Boston after my freshman year. What if my previous boyfriend didn't dump me and I didn't throw caution to the wind and go on a bunch of blind dates (well, OKCupid blind dates).
I wanted to do a lot of things that I simply haven't done, and I know there's still plenty of life left to explore, but I don't think I'll be able to, I don't know, join the Peace Corps (though after hearing about all the rape, I'm not so sad about missing out) or travel Europe solo or something crazy like that.
Maybe it's not healthy to dwell on "what ifs". I should focus on what we do have and what we can do with it. What if I focused on my writing? What if I focused on photography? What if I didn't just take what jobs I could?
I suppose I'm just in a funk right now because I was chatting with a friend online and I'm pretty sure she was joking, but she said "I know I will never be a happy married woman like you..." and all I can think is that's me? I've gone from "tortured artist" or "promising photographer" or "award-winning poet" to happily married woman. It leaves me feeling like I've let everyone down - all my professors who had such high hopes, my friends who are following their academic dreams, my childhood self who thought I'd become anything and everything. But here I am: a happily married woman and trying to become a mother. Just another face in the check-out line at Market Basket, trying to get the best deal on groceries. A person who checks Pinterest for home decorating and gardening tips - who grows lettuce in her bathroom.
I want to feel like I've made something of myself, but my mind keeps telling me that since I'm not a poet or a photographer or anything like that, I've clearly given up on the person I wanted to be.